This Isn’t What I Thought My Life Would Look Like After Divorce

Rebuilding doesn’t have a finish line

When I first separated twelve years ago, I thought I knew what rebuilding looked like.

I imagined that once I got through the heartbreak, I’d meet someone new. I’d remarry. I’d have that “second chance” kind of story. More aligned, more stable, more me.

It didn’t happen that way.

I dated immediately, and two years later, I met someone that I wanted to start a serious relationship with.

I thought that was progress at the time, but really, I hadn’t stopped long enough to understand who I actually was. I didn’t even know what joy felt like. I was still trying to fill the silence rather than get to know myself in it.

That relationship became a kind of scaffolding. I was trying to create a blended family before I’d even gotten clear on whether I was ready to fill that role with someone new.

I was still tangled up in old patterns, trying to make something “work” instead of asking myself if it was actually what I wanted.

Without that deeper self-awareness, the relationship couldn’t really breathe. It became another place where I lost myself.

I hadn’t built enough of a foundation inside myself yet.

It’s taken years of doing the inner work. Co-parenting, accepting loneliness at times, building a business, getting to know who I am outside of a relationship, to finally feel like I’m meeting myself properly. And it’s been worth every hard bit of it.

A couple of weeks ago, I did something that felt small to the outside world, but for me, it was huge. I went to an open mic night in the city. Alone and sober.

I used to rely on a few drinks to calm my nerves and a friend beside me to make it feel safe. This time, I went as myself. Just me. No backup.

Walking into that bar was honestly terrifying. My heart was pounding. I sat through the first few songs thinking I might just sneak out quietly and leave it for another night.

But I stayed. I watched. I waited. And eventually, I got up with my guitar and played.

It was the first time in years that I’d performed publicly. I’d forgotten how much joy I get from sharing songs that move me. Just me and the guitar. Stripped bare in front of people I didn’t know. It was exhilarating in its own way.

I’d disconnected from that part of myself for a long time. Somewhere between marriage, parenthood, divorce, and everything that came after, I’d stopped doing the things that made me feel alive.

My whole body was shaking as I sang

That night reminded me who I am underneath all the roles.

And it showed me that when you start taking small, intentional steps, doing brave things alone, you rebuild a new kind of confidence. You start realising that the world that you live in is what you make of it.

After I sang, I ended up talking to a lot of new people, most of them musicians. I’d forgotten how easy it can feel when you’re in the right space. It reminded me how much I’ve missed that kind of energy.

Lately, I’m realising that I need to create a new vision for this next chapter of my life. Twelve years after divorce, I’m not quite where I expected to be. It’s confusing at times, but it’s woken me up to the fact that I need to get intentional again.

Because this is what life after divorce really looks like.

It’s not one clean break followed by a shiny new beginning. It’s layers and growth. It’s learning who you are, over and over again.

Sometimes we get so focused on understanding everyone else — what they need, how they feel — that we forget to turn that same curiosity inward. We forget to ask ourselves what we like, what lights us up, what feels true now.

If you’re in the thick of wondering what happiness even looks like now, start exploring. Maybe it means stepping back from the things you’ve always done, just long enough to ask if they still fit.

Or maybe it means being brave enough to take one small step toward something you’ve been quietly yearning for but haven’t felt brave enough to try.

Divorce is an evolution, not a destination.

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