Why You Feel Worse Before You Feel Better After Divorce

Shouldn't divorce get easier as time passes?

It feels as though the third year after divorce should be easier than the first two, right?

You’ve got time behind you. You’ve gotten used to the new routines. You’re supposed to be “moving on”. You’ve survived the initial upheaval and, on the surface at least, life is beginning to feel more normal.

And yet, if all of that was true, there wouldn’t be that strange freefall feeling that can happen when you reach the two year mark.

I see this happen again and again with the women I work with. They feel as though they’re tracking well. They’ve got through the initial crisis, they’re highly functioning, they’ve built new routines and they’re getting on with life. Then, somewhere around that two-year mark, something shifts and they start questioning everything.

It was exactly the same for me.

I divorced with two young children. My son was eight and my daughter was five, so life was already incredibly full. There were school runs, appointments, homework, weekend sport, and all the ordinary demands that come with raising small children.

Then you add divorce to that.

Custody arrangements. Stress. Anxiety. Fear about the future. Grief. Dealing with extended family. Losing friendships. Trying to create some kind of new normal when the family structure you had built your life around has disintegrated.

There wasn’t much time to stop and think about how I was actually doing. I was focused on getting everyone else through it.

Of course, the demands look different when your children are teenagers or young adults. You might not be dealing with school runs and bath time anymore, but you may be navigating teenage emotions, exams, relationships, independence, university, or supporting a young adult who is finding their own way. You’re still very capable of putting their needs ahead of your own.

And this is something I see particularly often in high-performing women. We are very good at getting everyone else through difficult things. We organise, we solve problems, we keep things moving, we show up at work, we make sure the children are okay and we somehow keep functioning when, underneath it all, we are struggling.

We are often the last ones to get a glimpse of the care we give to everyone else who needs it.

This is why the two-year mark can be such a significant point.

By then, things have usually become quieter. The legalities are, in most cases, over. The paperwork and negotiations are behind you. You’ve finally stopped thinking of your ex-spouse as your partner, and your children have started to get their heads around the change and settle into their new routines.

And suddenly, there is space to think.

Space to look back. To wonder where it all went wrong. To question whether you could have done things differently. To really feel the reality of running your own life and your own home, and perhaps being a single mother in a way you hadn’t quite allowed yourself to fully acknowledge before.

And that reality can be incredibly confronting.

Your mind can start reaching back towards the comfort zone of marriage. Sure, it wasn’t perfect. You know why you left. But it was familiar, and familiarity can feel very comforting when you’re standing at the beginning of a completely unknown road.

The road to rebuilding a life from scratch.

And for women in midlife, there can be another layer to this. Your children may be getting older and becoming more independent, and suddenly the question of your own life becomes much louder. 

Who are you now? What do you actually want? What does this next chapter look like when so much of your identity has been tied up in being a wife and a mother?

The first couple of years are about survival. You get yourself through each day. You go to work, achieve at your usual high standard, make sure the family have everything they need and try to create a healthy and amicable co-parenting relationship.

You might start dating again. You’re figuring out where you fit within your old extended family. You’re navigating friendships, growing professionally. There is a huge amount going on.

So where, in all of that, is there time to stop, catch your breath and actually feel what has happened to you?

For me, most of my intense grieving hit around the two-year mark. The quiet was deafening. The grief and loneliness was all encompassing. 

I understand now why the two-year mark seems to be such a significant marker for so many of the women I work with.

It’s not necessarily that something has gone wrong. In many ways, it’s the opposite. You’ve finally got everyone through the initial impact, and there is enough space in your life for you to feel what you have been carrying.

And that can feel like a setback.

You might suddenly feel anxious again. You might start questioning your decision. You might miss your ex. You might wonder whether you made a terrible mistake. You might feel desperately sad, confused or completely unlike the woman who seemed to be doing so well six months ago.

If this is happening to you, please don’t panic.

You haven’t undone all the progress you’ve made. You haven’t gone backwards, and it doesn’t mean you made the wrong decision. It doesn’t mean you should think about going back or that something is wrong with you.

It may simply be that you’ve reached a point where there is finally enough quiet for you to process what you have actually been through.

You are a woman who has been through something enormous. You got yourself and everyone around you through the first impact. Now it’s time to give the love, support and care you gave to everyone else, to yourself. 

You don’t need to have it all figured out. 

You may simply need some time, some space and some support to feel and process what you were too busy to feel.

If you’re a few years down the track and wondering what on earth is happening to you, take a breath. There is nothing wrong with you. This is all very normal.

You can reframe this time as a unique opportunity.

Start asking yourself what care looks like for you now, and what’s going to support you the most as you begin to build this next part of your post-divorce life.

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If you’re looking for thoughtful, one-to-one support as you rebuild your life after divorce, you can apply to work with me here.

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