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Writer's picturecoachcarol44

How I Kept My Divorce Out Of Court

Protect your kids, your sanity and your finances



When I was a kid in the 80s, I watched a movie called Kramer vs. Kramer, starring Dustin Hoffman and Meryl Streep.


Two parents whose marriage was coming to an end, who could barely speak to each other with their little boy smack dab in the middle, paying the price.


Both parents duking it out in the cliche American ‘court of law’ with a judge deciding every move.


High stress. Tonnes of drama. Traumatized kids.

For a long time, that was society’s typical view of how all divorces had to play out.

Growing up with this conditioning made the prospect of divorce so much more terrifying as I struggled through the last year of my marriage. I was petrified that my kids were no longer going to have a family and that they’d end up depressed and anxious because of what they were watching us go through.


That sort of fear, while horrible at the time, was a major catalyst for me to overcome the avalanche of blame, resentment and anger that I had towards my husband for the breakdown of our relationship.


I was determined to protect my kids and salvage my family, no matter how much pain and turmoil I had to work through.


In the end, we managed to stay civil through the worst times, keep our separation amicable, and avoid lawyers and courtrooms. Today, we are good friends, and we both have strong relationships with our teens, who are also doing well.


I’m grateful every day that this was the outcome of our decision to divorce.


How Modern Divorce Has Evolved: More Options, Less Drama

Thankfully, things are very different in society today. There are a range of alternatives to the Kramer vs Kramer type of scenario when a marriage ends.


Still, around 3–4% of separating couples still need a ‘decision-maker’ to oversee the terms of their separation.


Yes, some have had the misfortune of being married to someone who seems hell-bent on making the separation drama-fuelled and painful for everyone and isn’t afraid of using the kids as collateral damage.


(There are strategies for dealing with this, but it is another game plan that requires more time and thought).


If, however, your ex-spouse has proven to be a generally stable person in the past, there is a good chance that they are also keen to keep the divorce as amicable as possible and will be open to one of the following options:


  • Mediation — A neutral third party helps negotiate and reach mutual agreements on issues like property division, child custody, and support without going to court.

  • Collaborative — A legal process where spouses work with their attorneys and other professionals to resolve divorce issues amicably and reach a settlement without going to court.

  • Arbitration — A neutral third party, known as an arbitrator, makes a binding decision on disputed issues in a divorce, similar to a court ruling, after hearing arguments and evidence from both parties.

  • Settlement Agreement — A legally binding document that outlines the terms and conditions agreed upon by both parties in a divorce, including issues like asset division, alimony, and child custody, to resolve conflict without going to trial.

  • Uncontested — A type of divorce where both spouses agree on all major issues, such as property division, child custody, and support, allowing the process to proceed without litigation.

  • DIY Divorce — Couples handle their own divorce without hiring a lawyer, typically by using online resources, forms, and guides to navigate legal requirements and complete the necessary paperwork.


All of the above options are better alternatives to paying huge amounts of money to let professionals who don’t know you and your family decide what’s best for everyone.


Amicable Divorce Keeps You Out Of The Courtroom

Staying out of the courtroom is the best option for your kids. Walking into a courtroom means the relationship has broken down completely, and your children don’t want to see that. They need to see that their parents can still care about each other as people, even if they can no longer be together as a couple.


Staying out of the courtroom saves money. Lawyers cost! Every minute that you’re working with a lawyer is siphoning money that could be going towards your children and building your own financial future post-divorce.


Amicable divorces can only happen when we are able to manage our hurt, resentment, anger and fear from spilling over into our interactions and decision-making.


Here are six strategies you can use to help you stay out of the courtroom during the separation process.


Keep Your Kids Front And Centre

Nobody benefits more from an amicable divorce than your kids. Even if you can’t imagine having a civil relationship with your ex-spouse, you need to be able to stay focused on your kids and what they need the most.


You can do it with support.


Don’t Sweat The Small Stuff

Don’t lose sight of the most important things in life. A good relationship with your ex-spouse will pave the way for a great relationship with your kids.


Imagine looking back in twenty years. Are you going to care about half the bullshit that is bringing you down during the negotiation process? You’ll be grateful that even though your marriage ended, you could still be a great co-parenting team.


Be Willing To Compromise

Don’t get bogged down in the weeds of who should get what and what things are worth.

In the bigger scheme of things, a strong co-parenting relationship should be top priority. You can always replace material possessions. Staying out of court keeps the family assets in your pocket.


Work On Your Communication Skills

Most communication breakdowns get worse over time. One conflict builds on another, and before you know it, you’re in a stalemate, with neither of you wanting to back down.

Put time and effort into becoming a better communicator so that you can feel heard, and you can give your ex the gift of being heard, too.


Master Your Emotions

Strong emotions are the killer of calm, rational thought and decision-making.

If you find it difficult to manage the things you say or your actions when you are angry, make it a priority to get on top of this now while you are setting foundations for the future.


Develop Your Emotional Maturity

Nothing will test your resilience and maturity more than a divorce. You have to rise above more than you’ll ever know.


It’s not easy, but consider it a valuable life lesson. This is an opportunity to develop your personal growth and to model to your kids how they can use adversity to become better people when they have their own struggles in adulthood.



 

There’s no easy way to navigate the emotional, legal and practical sucker punches that divorce seems to dole out on a daily basis during the first two years.


By working on the strategies above, you’ll set yourself and your ex-spouse up to be a strong co-parenting team and keep your divorce in the hands of those who know you and your kids best.


 


Download your free copy of my Co-Parenting Vision workbook here.


Book a free strategy session with me here if you’d like to discuss working together to get the best outcomes for your family during separation and divorce.

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